letting yourself become without losing yourself
reflexions on identities, attachments and life transformations
Hi love,
I’ve just spent the last 2 hours straightening the curly hair of my daughter. She turned 12 today. She’s officially no longer a baby - or so she says - forcing me to witness the passing of time and the ever-changing nature of life.
This year seems to keep pulling and pushing me forward at high speed, demanding me to grow further, to become and expand, to shed past versions of myself, to let go of old truths and certainties so that I can embrace all that is and let go of the no longer.
I feels like it was yesterday when I first became a mom. I was 28 and I had the bold innocence of believing I had finally figured out my life.
After my quarter-life existential crisis / depression, I had done the work to meet myself. I’d come to terms with the fact that I had childhood wounds and trauma that were impacting my way of being in this world. I had started learning about mindfulness, emotional intelligence, conscious communications. I was accepting who I was, and I was making decisions to align my life projects to my values and preferences.
“I’m going to teach English, be a nomad, be a vegan, build my business, homeschool my kids, and write books.”
With that statement, I thought I had let go of conditionings to be my true self. And in a way, I did. But I can see now how I was full of certitudes and attachments. How I had identified with my lifestyle, my career, my roles, my preferences. All these things that are part of our lives, but not really a part of who we truly are.
And the more we attach to these things, the harder it is to let ourselves become, or un-become
Some of the things I’ve un-become
I no longer teach English. I no longer teach French either. I write about mindful and self-led language learning (here : Bubbles of French), but I can’t say that I’m still a teacher. I might teach again in the future, but it’s not who I am, it’s just a skill that I have, something I can do for work.
I am no longer a nomad. I still love travelling long-term and the freedom of working from anywhere is important for me, but I recognise that in this stage of my life, I’d choose stability and comfort over 3-months-visa runs and poorly noise-insulated hotel rooms any day.
I am no longer a vegan. I prioritise plant-based food and rarely consume animal produce, but I became more flexible over the years.
I no longer dedicate 100% of my time to my business. I definitely have an entrepreneurial mind. Running a business became fun once I started doing it my own way, and I love the idea of making a positive impact through my work, absolutely. But I stopped believing that having a “successful business” was the only way for me to be fulfilled. Or to have an impact.
I no longer create lessons for my kids. I still partially homeschool them, but my oldest is now registered in an online school. I have delegated the part of designing her homeschooling program : she has lessons, teachers, tutors, and grades. I’m now more of a coach and support for her than a teacher.
At 25, I really thought I’d be a writer. I even discarded doing a Phd in literature because “why would I spend my life analysing other people’s books when I can spend my life writing my own.” I’m now 40 and I haven’t written any books. I might still do it, or I might not, and I know that either way is fine.
I used to be so attached to all these parts of me that when I started feeling deep inside shifts, I used all my power to resist them for fear of losing bits of myself, of losing my inner compass and self-sovereignty. Of losing control.
But you can’t stop changing. You can’t stay the same. You can’t stop the stream of life from going through you.
Whether you’re actively trying to change or not, life will always bring you novelty through your encounters, your readings, the events that occur to you personally or to all of us globally.
Unnecessary pain
The discomfort and suffering that we feel when it seems we’re losing control over our life, when things change too much, too fast, is that we fear losing touch with ourselves and with everything we have built around our “identity”.
The real discomfort and suffering, though, comes from identifying with the mind in the first place.
The mind says for instance “I have finally found that I’m good at teaching and so I’ll now be a teacher, that is safe and good for me”, and we believe that as an unconditional everlasting truth. We now identify with the job. This is no longer what we do, it has become who we are.
Yet, these are just thoughts. Just a mental activity designed to bring us some sort of safety and comfort by labelling us, by putting us in a little box. As long as the box fits, that works fine. But the moment that box gets too small, or no longer adequate, that becomes problematic.
How can you safely get out of a box when you believe you are the box?
Who are you then?
So if you’re not the box, who are you?
If you’re not a job, not a mother, not a daughter, not a wife, not a nomad, not a vegan, not a meat-eater, not an introvert or an extrovert, not a sexual preference, not a gender, not a body, not even a mental activity…
Eckhart Tolle said “your true self is everything that is left once you die”. Embracing your essence and the possibilities of your life means detaching from everything that would disappear once you are no longer on earth.
Dying before you die, so you can be reborn and explore all you can be.
In more practical terms, the life you’re living right now is the result of decisions you’ve made, based on preferences and beliefs that you’ve had. Since you’re not your preferences nor your beliefs, you’ll probably be called to make other decisions which will in turn be manifested into a different-looking lifestyle.
In this process, however, you can never lose yourself, for you are here, now. Always in your power. Always capable of making new decisions that are better aligned to who you’ve become.
It’s ok to let life change you.
It’s ok to pick a path, pick a tool, make a choice, and then make another one.
You are always safe. You are always supported.
Your life is always full of possibilities, outside of the boxes.
Jessica
Holistic Coach for Sensitive Women
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A bit more about my approach:
Holistic: we blend strategy, mindset, mindfulness, spirituality as we take all aspect of you into consideration when setting goals and intentions.
Progress over results : you can't buy results, but you can empower yourself to take the necessary steps towards your dreams. Together we put the power back into your own hands.
The way out is in : your biggest blockages to taking action will never be "not knowing what to do", but rather finding space inside of you to face your fears and stories of not-enoughness. I'm here to guide you inwards so you can shine and transform outwards
At the moment I'm...
Reading - I love alternating reading non fiction during my quiet early mornings, and fiction at night. This makes the perfect balance for me between self-growing with new ideas and reading for the sake of reading.
Non-fiction - The Power of Now, Ekhart Tolle - I read this first in 2019 when I was at the start of my spiritual journey, I felt called to give it another go and perhaps integrate its lessons further.
Fiction : Sharp Objects, Gillian Flinn - A part of me is self-judging that I’ve now entered the age of reading thrillers, but then I remember that I had a university class on detective and noir fiction, so you know… I can feel better about myself XD
Learning: Deepening my skills in copywriting
Watching : Dark. This is also a re-watch, but the plot is so twisted that I have forgotten everything after 3 years. Awesome series, and a great way to familiarise yourself with / practice German! (Not that I speak German, but I love listening to it).
What about you?
What are the things you’re currently enjoying? Drop me a line to tell me :)
Do you have suggestions about what you’d like me to write about the most at the moment?
P.S. I write with typos and even language mistakes sometimes, in all the languages I write in. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me :)
About a half a dozen years ago, when I hit my personal bottom, while seemingly successful multiple business owner with having kids graduating from Ivy League school, I started to learn how to unbecome/unlearn the societal norms and rebuild my life. I was one of most conformist, easy going person. It has been at times difficult but certainly rewarding journey that I couldn’t be more proud of taking. I didn’t want to be in one of the most coveted position in my industry, I didn’t want to sit on prestigious committees. Since then, I resigned from my position, sold one business, resigned from still active business, took early retirement in an active defiance of social norm of expanding my businesses to make an empire. Taking care of my body, my mind, my soul and exploring life are my current activities along with actively unlearning societal norms and trying to carve out a path for myself. I have took up a lot of work - new work - for myself and found a rewarding journey!
Great thoughts, Jessica! “But you can’t stop changing. You can’t stay the same. You can’t stop the stream of life from going through you.” - Loved it.