This article is a written version of my podcast episode. You can listen to it here. If you resonate with these words, send me a ♥️ and leave a comment, that means a lot to me.
Today we're diving into an important topic, burnout, but specifically burnout for women, women who are entrepreneurs and women who are mothers as well.
But no worries, if you're a man, I'm sure that you'll learn a lot from this too.
This is the kind of episode that has a mission, the mission of raising awareness around the rules of our society that make so many of us feel inadequate and like we're not capable to handle everything, when really it's the expectations placed upon us that are unrealistic and unfair to start with.
It was the summer of 2022 and I had just spent two wonderful weeks off. It was a staycation and I basically did nothing special, but I remember these feelings of dolce far niente. It was yummy, juicy, sunny. I had this freedom, this ease during those days and then when it stopped, all of a sudden I felt crippling anxiety, I had difficulties breathing, and I did not understand what was happening to me.
How could I have gone from feeling like I had it all together, like I was on top of the world, and then barely making it through the day?
So to understand, I really had to pause and to look at everything that had led me to that point.
It had been a busy, productive year so far, and I was working with several projects. I had launched my two podcasts, my website. I had been hosting live workshops for both my businesses. I had been creating tons of resources and materials for my clients with whom I had been 3000% invested, sometimes more so than they were themselves, but I'll come back to that later. I was constantly learning, reading, studying, in order to finally have all the knowledge that I had thought I was lacking.
I make this list now in retrospective, and it still feels heavy. And it doesn't necessarily sound like it's a lot by the standards of our society. But then you add into the mix the fact that I had two kids to take care of 24/7, one of whom at the time was only 1 year old, and the financial pressure of putting bread on the table, and the fear of not managing to make enough to cover our needs, let alone our wants.
I had been burying all this under tired eyes and a brave smile. Stress had been accumulating in my body without me even realizing it. My brain had registered this functioning mode as normal. And sure, I was tired, but there was no other way. This was my life.
Adding to that, my house was always a mess. I felt constantly dissatisfied with how I looked. I had been unable to lose weight, to work out consistently, and so I was carrying this load, this heavy, heavy load on my body.
And at that point, I had been working with a diet and lifestyle coach, and she had repeatedly hinted at the fact that I was doing too much and that cortisol in the body, which is a stress hormone, is one of the causes of obesity. “I'm not that stressed,” I'd said. “I'm okay.”
But I did feel overwhelmed. And although I had reviewed in depth my eating habits with her, still the kilos clung onto me like Play-Doh to a carpet. And it made me feel disconnected further from my body, trapped in it really.
At some point during that year, we had had the plan to change things and move back to Vietnam where we had lived pre-pandemic. And this had been such a source of hope for me because it would mean that we would be able to afford help again, we would hire someone to take care of the house chores, we'd have a full-time nanny, our quality of life would be so much better and I would be able to work out every day and relax a bit more and have less financial pressure because the cost of life is much more affordable in that part of the world.
But two months prior to our planned departure, we realized it wouldn't work out for us and that healthcare and visa alone would make our life there equally if not more expensive than in France.
When that news came, I was in shock and I felt such despair. I had placed so much hope on this move and the relief I had been waiting for would not come.
Life had said, no, not this way. And that was another hint, of course, that things had to change from the inside out, not through a quick fix of circumstances.
But again, I didn't see it. I was attached to my perception, to my beliefs that said, I don't have a choice. This is what my life is like. I couldn't get my husband to help more with the kids because his job was already too demanding like this. And I couldn't hire more help because I couldn't afford it. And I wasn't making enough money to justify it. Getting another job was out of the question: I had found my passion and I knew it would make me miserable to compromise on that. And then everyone around me was questioning my choice to homeschool, which made me upset because this was also a non-negotiable for me. This was also something that was an aligned choice that came after many thoughts and conversations and reflections.
So again, trapped. I found no wiggle room and I decided I had to be okay with it. I had to keep going and maybe at some point with some more wishful thinking things would get better.
So here we are in the summer of 2022. My son is 18 months old. I'm 107 kilos with the energy of a fighting bull and my assistant suggests I take a summer break. And I said yes. I planned two weeks off without even thinking about whether that would create a financial issue. It just felt that this was what I needed to do. Even if I didn't really feel that I needed it.
It's strange. Because again, I really want to underline this: everything I'm telling you now, I'm telling you with the awareness of time, with what I understand now was happening then but at that time I didn't want to see it.
I journaled every day. You can read the whole process word per word in my journal entries and yet still a part of me had refused to take all the hints that were warning me that I was running full speed into a wall.
Like I said, my summer break was amazing. These two weeks were the best that I had spent in a long time. We didn't go anywhere, didn't plan anything. I just let myself be. I spent time with the kids. We went to the beach nearby almost every day. We ate easy food. I had naps every day. I read for fun. And I still remember that it was Elizabeth Gilbert's The Signature of All Things, which is an amazing book, by the way.
I remember physically feeling the cortisol leaving my body and thinking, wow, this is wonderful. And spending the days with the kids was still tiring, of course, if you're a mom, you know that.
And so I remember realizing at that moment, how do I do it? How do I ever manage to do this full-time job of homeschooling my two kids, teaching them every day, keeping the house kind of clean, running two businesses? I cannot do that. I must change something. I can't do that. I must change something. This was the thought. I can't go on like this.
The holidays came to an end. And already a few days prior, I had started feeling anxiety building in my stomach. And tears would come to my eyes for no apparent reason. And I figured I was just maybe worried about my next income.
So I tried to keep going. I tried to do a couple of lives. I was even a guest on a summit. And I remember having a huge meltdown just before going live because my husband, who was in charge of watching the little one while I was doing the presentation, had to go to the bathroom five minutes before I was supposed to go live. And I got so angry that I'm still amazed that nobody noticed my red, teary eyes as I started talking about creating an aligned business.
I finished the presentation, I turned off my computer, I put my face in my hands, and I cried for three days.
And that's when my husband and I decided to change everything. I would stop providing, I would be the homemaker, the kids school instructor because that project was still is still close to our hearts and values. And I would take a five year break from being a full time worker.
It took me about a year to recover from that burnout. At first I resisted, then I went into hibernation mode. Anxiety was there every single day. I felt more tired than I had ever felt in my life. I slept so much. Everything was an effort. There was a lot less joy. Not like depression, but close. I felt lonely, tired, suspended in time.
And so much shame.
I felt embarrassed when people would ask, what happened? Yes, I chose my children. I chose myself. I did.
But also I was burned out. I hadn't listened to the signs. I hadn't listened to my body. And I had abandoned myself for what my mind had said was worthy to pursue.
If you recognize yourself in parts of my story, I invite you to truly take a moment to be fully aware of what's happening to you and talk with someone that is external to your situation.
Because people who are close to you, even if they mean well, they have their own projections, their own understanding and opinions on what you need, on what's normal, not normal. And often they will lead you towards decisions that are not necessarily correct for you. “Maybe you need a corporate job, maybe you need to put your kids at school, maybe you need a divorce, maybe this, maybe that.”
It takes perspective to understand truly what you're going through and help you find your own solutions.
Burnout, how it comes, is often a misconception.
I've seen many business coaches talk about how they can help you achieve a better work-life balance, reduce your working hours and increase your income so you can avoid burnout. They tell you that taking time for yourself and being able to work freely, where you want, when you want, that's the key, but that's not true.
It's such a small part of what causes burnout. We all believe it though. Burnout is due to overworking. Full stop.
That's wrong.
Burnout is due to overworking and to trying to live up to unrealistic, unsustainable expectations that either come from yourself or from your environment that you have internalized as your own.
Statistically, women are 62% more prone to burnout than men and if you dig a little bit deeper to understand why they tell you and i'm quoting :: “Women have so many arenas in which they can compete how we look the quality of our friendships and of course the work we produce sometimes it can feel that there are just too many ways to fail and that's when self-doubt low self-esteem and self-criticism can come to the fore.”
So can we take a moment here to list all the unrealistic, unsustainable expectations that are put on women in our modern society. I'm going to quote this wonderful monologue from the Barbie movie. If you haven't seen it, you should.
It is literally impossible to be a woman.
You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough.
Like we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin.
And you can never say you want to be thin.
You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin.
You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass.
You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean.
You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas.
You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time.
You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane.
But if you point that out, you're accused of complaining.
You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful.
But never forget that the system is rigged.
So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line.
It's too hard, it's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you.
And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us.
And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.
The impact that patriarchy has on our mental health is real, and it's not acknowledged enough.
I have been praised for all the wrong things, like having children.
I have been praised for going back to work only three weeks after giving birth.
I was praised for being super active on social media.
I was praised for pushing to do all the things : you're my hero, you're a rock star, you're a wonder woman, the wonder mom or the wonder entrepreneur.
I was praised for being successful at everything I do. And that just reminded me how that's not true. I fail all the time.
I was praised for doing it all alone, without counting on a man.
All of this, it deepens the gap between how you think it's worthy to be and how you feel inside. It strengthens the message that yes, it's good to continue this way.
“This is what I must do. This is who I must be. This is where success is.”
That's just not true.
We need to change the paradigm and in 2024, ladies, it's in our hands. So let's start by recognizing this power, this luxury, almost, to have a choice. We're very much conditioned by society, but we can shift our own perception of success, of worth, of the norm, of what is expected of men and of women.
And like with every change that we want to see in the world, we must start within. So I'm going to share with you a list of questions of prompts that are going to help you understand how you can shift your perspective here.
Remember to do it with compassion and curiosity. It's not about blaming yourself or judging yourself or rejecting yourself. It's really about embracing everything that is, recognizing where you can shift things to be more aligned to what you truly believe.
Where are you still buying into the story that success is linked to productivity?
Where are the moments where you observe yourself judging negatively a woman who is not financially providing for her family and her husband is instead? Or she's not pursuing a career at all?
When do you feel you're accepting the story that you must do it all alone? That letting someone else help you, support you, even provide for you is lazy, or unfair, or weak, or risky?
When do you buy into the story that you can have it all and do it all at the same time? Or that women who can do it are amazing?
What is your definition of a strong woman? Did the word independent pop into your head? And if yes, let's question it. Can you be strong and yet depend on others? What does independent even mean? Isolated? Aren't we a species of highly dependent creatures?
And now for your inner work.
Where are you seeking validation through your work? Whether it's paid work or unpaid work.
Where do you compensate a story of not enoughness by doing more?
Do you attach your worth to completing your to-do list? Or to achieving things?
Where do you link your worth to the money you make?
Observe yourself with curiosity, compassion and openness. It's never about judging yourself but about raising your self-awareness. Becoming aware is always the first step because it places the power of choice and intention back into your hands.
And remember that although your circumstances are real, if you find yourself overworking, over committing, over delivering and not listening or honoring your needs, changing your beliefs around yourself, raising your sense of self worth and self love and self respect around success and achievement is where you will find your space for change, not in blaming or even changing only the circumstances.
Today we're 18 months later, and I'm still homeschooling. My older kid is a preteen, my youngest is about to turn three. They both still need me very much, especially the youngest one. And my first job is being there for them. To be there fully, I've had to heal parts of myself that were rejecting the role of mom and rejecting what it means being a kid. To allow myself to be the homemaker, I had to heal my trust issues with others, and especially with men, with my husband. I had to accept being taken care of. And that it didn't mean I was less good, or less worthy, or less ambitious. I've had to be okay with not doing it all, with counting on others, and it turns out delegating is pretty fun to do.
I'm still a work in progress of course like all of us and I started creating content again this year and I still work on my businesses but in a very sustainable way for me so it means I had to change. My vision of what success is, I changed my relationship to work, I changed my offers, the way I deliver them, the way I'm present with my clients without over committing, without trying to save them anymore.
I had to set goals, looking first at what I could reasonably do, rather than what the industry or colleagues were doing. And it turns out that when you have way less time, you follow more easily your joy and your freedom.
So I'll finish this by stating again that if you're listening to this and you are feeling trapped, like I was, don't stay there alone. Reach out to a professional, whether that's a therapist or a coach, to help you. It can be me or it can be anyone else you trust and you feel comfortable with. You don't have to stay stuck and miserable. You can be supported on your way out.
I'm sending you love, power and light.
Jessica
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Thank you for joining me in this exploration. If you resonate with this story, share it with someone who might need it. Let's spread the whispers of inner power far and wide.