is it ADHD or just life?
from denial to acceptance, learning to thrive with a wandering mind
Hello love,
It’s been a while now that neuro-divergence is under the limelight. ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder) is everywhere on social media. Everyone seems to have it, so much so that its existence is often questioned, the symptoms debated, the “adhders” judged as hypochondriacs, or worse, lazy attention-seekers stuck in victim mentality.
In this article, I’ll share with you pieces of my journey from denying to considering, then accepting and deciding to thrive with ADHD.
We live in a world that demands so much of our attention that it is challenging for anyone to keep it in one place at a time. Multi-tasking has become a prerequisite on many job descriptions, hustle culture, the norm.
When the vast majority of the world population juggles several screens, projects, responsibilities; when it’s hard to find more than one table at the restaurant where the guests aren’t glued to their screens; when social events have become mere instagramable opportunities; when relaxing at the end of the day is synonymous with scrolling on Pinterest; it can be challenging to give weigh to a diagnosis of “attention deficit”.
After all, if everyone has a difference, then it’s not a difference at all.
Which is why for years, I completely discarded the possibility of ADHD for me.
But that was before.
Before I knew what ADHD actually was.
Before I knew that the H in ADHD, which stands for hyperactivity, is often not present in women.
Before I learned that attention deficit always stems from connexion deficit. That the vast majority of people who have been separated from their parents, especially the mother, especially in infancy, have a high probability of showing severe traits of ADHD.(Gabor Maté, Scattered Minds)
Having been abandoned at birth, growing up with a narcissist mother and then without my father who was on the autism spectrum, I had to come to the evidence that there might be a probability for me to “have it”. (I shared bits of my life story on a podcast episode right here).
That’s when I decided to take a few online tests, which reinforced my suspicions as they all indicate high scores of ADHD probability.
And its shocking really when you open the door to a new layer of awareness to yourself.
It’s like looking in the mirror and discovering a brand new feature on your face.
Something super visible, that has been there all along, that’s impacted the way you’ve been living, the way you’ve been perceived by others, yet something that you had never seen before.
A bit like when Professor Quirrel finally takes off his turban and reveals Voldemort underneath.
Are you frigging kidding me? You’ve been hiding under there all along? How come I never knew about this? Is this a special trait? A disease that can be cured? A disability that’s forever? Has it been controlling me? Has it been hindering me? Does it show? Have other people judged me because of it? Is it a part of me? And what do I do now?
So many questions barged into my mind at the same time that I froze for a minute, before deciding it was probably not that big of a deal.
Stage 1 : No big deal
At first I didn’t think much of it.
I never had any major school issues. I succeeded my university studies brilliantly and without difficulty. I’m a super planner and organiser - I planned my wedding, 2 international moves from A to Z without ever having set foot in the place of destination, hosted retreats and events for clients, helped dozens of online teachers and coaches start or improve their businesses with positive results, I pay attention to details, I deliver work on time, I prioritise tasks at work quite well and I can easily find 3 viable solutions to any blockage within a few minutes.
So really, it can’t be that bad. Right?
It’s true that I never finish opening the curtains in my living room before I’ll wander off to several other tasks.
And more and more, I realise that I interrupt my journal writing in the middle of a sentence, sometimes in the middle of a word, to follow another thought or idea.
And I do have a history of burning stuff when I cook, or forgetting to turn off the stove, or to take the kettle off of it…
But surely these things could happen to anyone. Especially when you’re a tired mom with a mental load heavier than a blue whale and an excited toddler asking for 6 different things every 2 minutes?
Stage 2 : Awareness and Shame
I started sharing my thoughts with my husband about possibly having ADHD. As any logical sceptical man, he first brushed it off as just a trend, “the latest fashionable ailment that everyone has”.
I rolled my eyes. Men…
(yes, I know I had that very same sceptical stance just a few months prior, but that’s not the point, let’s focus here please).
So we decided to both take the online test and were totally shocked at the results!
He scored a low 18%, I scored 93%. Of course, it’s just a number and it’s just one test, but the most important revelation took place as we answered the questions together and we able to clearly see the major difference in the way our brains think, process and experience life. Gauging my perceived signs of ADHD against someone else’s was the catalyst that made me truly see that I wasn’t imagining things : my brain is different that neurotypicals, whatever that means.
We started learning more on the topic, following some youtube channels (like this one: How to ADHD - link here), and paying more attention to little habits, traits, peculiarities of mine that I would consider harmless but that would drive my husband completely crazy.
Things that he would usually assume were a sign of me “not truly listening”, “not caring enough”, “not paying attention”, or “not being disciplined”.
Assumptions which in turn would drive me crazy as they are completely untrue.
Here’s a non-exhaustive list :
Interrupting him several times during a conversation because what he says simultaneously triggers at least 5 other interesting thoughts, stories, facts, feelings related to the described situations that remind me of another time when similar feelings were present, etc (arborescent way of thinking).
Hardly ever closing a drawer or a cabinet when I finish using it because at the moment of leaving the room, I know I’m not finished and I’m going to come back there, but then I get caught up in the next task and I forget.
Starting to write my articles and newsletters, communicating that I just need another 15 minutes, but then it’s been 2 hours and I still need another 15 minutes. Or more, you know… (hyperfocus and time distortion)
Procrastinating on boring tasks that I feel will take forever, feeling overwhelmed and so avoiding them like the plague, which in turn increases anxiety levels when really it could have taken just 5 minutes and be dealt with already. Like loading and unloading the dishwasher (procrastination and adhd).
Having a hard time regulating myself after a little spat, wanting to get to the bottom of things because everything has to be settled and smooth right away so I can feel safe again. Trying to justify myself over any criticism, feeling anxiety and shame when I make mistakes (rejection dysphoria) - This has considerably gotten better over time thanks to extensive inner child work.
Saying I’ll do one thing, and then ending up doing something else because it’s more important in the moment. In the same vein: remembering feelings over facts therefore giving sometimes inaccurate information.
The more attention I paid, the more I found signs and examples of how ADHD manifests for me, and the more I felt full of shame.
“So there is something wrong with me after all. I am deficient, it turns out.”
In an instant, it was as if all my hard-work, my self-imposed discipline, learning and applying mindfulness and time management, caring deeply about people’s needs, constantly trying to improve… as if all of this had disappeared or was reduced to some mere coping mechanisms designed to conceal my broken brain.
I decided I’d hide in bed for a few days. But then my demanding toddler found me and asked for breakfast, so I changed my mind and ended up doing something else, again.
Stage 3 : Rebellion, aka “Fuck this Shit”
The shame stayed with me for a few weeks.
Firstly because what my dear husband had always perceived as laziness all of a sudden transformed into a “condition”, something that’s permanent and can’t be changed.
Secondly, because reading stories and descriptions of ADHD in some renowned publications, like Le Monde (French news) brought me down even further.
You know, the kind of sensationalist stories that focus only on the worst case scenarios of ADHD, with some rare examples of people who as a consequence suffer from addiction, are never able to hold on to a job, even less succeed at business, never stay in long-term relationships and have to live in chaotic and disruptive conditions. In their car or something.
Doom, doom, and more doom.
Then something happened.
Something that fortunately always kicks in when life throws a curved ball at me: rebellion.
I got up from the floor, wiped off my tears and proclaimed to anyone in close proximity that “fuck this shit, I’m not gonna let anyone tell me what I can or cannot do.”
And I told myself exactly what I would tell you:
Diagnosis or not, nothing can define what you do or who you become, unless you decide to let it.
You are not broken. Whether you have ADHD, autism, hypersensitivity, CPTSD (complex post traumatic syndrome), anxiety, depression - contrary to the stories in your mind sometimes, these are not evidence that there’s something wrong with you. It rather shows there’s something wrong with the world we live in, and you’re trying your best to adjust.
Every life adversity is an opportunity to choose : is this going to be an explanation as to why you’re struggling and a reason why you’ll keep struggling, or is this going to be a teaching moment that will help you raise from your challenges?
There is tremendous value in getting a diagnosis, understanding conditions, putting a name on childhood adversities and life traumas. It is almost impossible to fight against something you can’t clearly see. It’s almost impossible to have self-compassion and therefore self-love if you don’t understand where you’re coming from. How could you ever heal if you don’t know where the wound is? But then, once you know, you must let it go and not let any of it limit you in what you envision for yourself. The only limitation to your potential is your perception of what you can or can’t achieve.
Stage 4 : Taking action
If I was living alone, I believe that my ADHD symptoms would have less of an impact simply because I’d be the only one bothered by them.
But that’s not the case, and I do care about the impact I have on the people I love, so I decided to take action. Here’s what I put in place and the positive effect it’s had on reducing the challenging parts of ADHD.
Observing what triggers rejection dysphoria : again, this is a symptom that has gotten tremendously better in the last few years, but it is undeniably still present and from time to time causes me to spiral into self-doubt. I’ve started bringing mindful awareness to what the triggers are exactly on a daily basis, which allows me to engage my thinking brain before my emotional brain is even activated.
Planning my day into details, every single day: more than overwhelming never-ending to-do-lists, what my ADHD brain needs is a viable, sustainable roadmap of how the day is going to unfold. I started using the Tiimo app, which has been a game-changer for me : my daily repetitive tasks are added automatically and I know exactly what needs to happen, when, and how long it’s going to take. AI even helps me gauge how long tasks should take based on past instances, and breaks them down into smaller tasks for me. With a beautiful design that enables me to “see” where I’m at during the day. (This is not an affiliate link, but I’d love to strike a deal in the future!)
Calmly expressing what I’m experiencing and my immediate needs : without understanding and acceptance, it’s hard to communicate to my family what’s going on. I’m working on validating my own experience and sharing it with them :
I have sensitive overwhelm right now (too much noise, too much touch, too much energy, too much light), I need to be left alone.
I have mental overload right now, I need a moment to regroup.
I can’t tell you yet if we can do this thing you’re asking me because I haven’t planned my day yet, let me have coffee first.
My day is currently at its maximum capacity, so no.
Little rules everywhere : creating systems and rules for myself is helping me reduce the mental overload and therefore avoid pitfalls.
I can’t put food I’ve cooked into the plates before turning off the stove and the oven.
I can’t leave a room without clearing it from clutter first.
I can’t move on from a task before I have completely finished it.
I can’t say yes to a task or activity before checking my Tiimo App first.
I must add down-time and quality-time in my daily plan as well for a balanced and sustainable life. Mental health first.
5. ADHD brain-friendly focus sessions : I started hosting special co-working sessions in our Soulful Biz Club. At least once a week, we have a 2-hour session broken down into smaller “sprints” to get the hard or boring things done. This is an amazing way to trick my brain into getting its dopamine from tasks that I would usually procrastinate on.
Thanks to these actions, things have been more under control at home and I can see the way towards improvement.
In the future, I’ll try to get an official diagnosis so I can have the option of using medication. I don’t know yet if this is the path for me, but I’d like to be able to make that decision for myself and see how it can potentially enhance my life.
I can also see how incredibly challenging it’s been for me to be a full-time stay-at-home mom and try to work on my business in the margins.
Because there is no margin, and so I’m multitasking, my adorable son does interrupt me like a hungry mosquito on a summer day, snacks and tv shows are never enough, there’s constant noise from various sources making it super hard to stay focused. And then I have mom-guilt because I’ve asked my kids to leave me alone 20 times in the last 5 minutes and they probably hate me now.
So there’ll be more action-taking about this life situation as well, more on that in a future article.
What to do if you think you have ADHD?
What about you? Do you have or do you suspect you have ADHD too? Have you had a formal diagnosis, or have you taken action to help you alleviate the symptoms?
If you’ve been questioning the possibility of being neuro-divergent, here’s a few additional guidance from me:
Trust your instincts : many signs of ADHD can pass off as “normal” as neuro-typical people experience them too, but if you find that these signs are exarcerbated for you, you might want to look more into it. Not as a way to put a new label on yourself, but as a way to know what you’re dealing with and make your own life more neuro-inclusive.
Take the first step : scrolling on social media posts about neuro-diversity won’t help much as the posts and advice are too general and can’t really help you understand yourself. I’d suggest taking an online test as a first step, then decide if you want to seek a formal diagnosis or professional help.
Be kind to yourself during this process. As you could see from my own experience, it’s not easy to go on this journey and it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions. Ultimately, having ADHD or not doesn’t change who you are and who you’ve been.
Remember that with every challenge comes rewards. Be careful not to read only about the difficulties of ADHD but also about the success stories of many neuro-divergent entrepreneurs and creatives. Because it is a superpower (Read this article about neurodiversity as a secret sauce for entrepreneurs)
Conclusion
In wrapping up, I want to remind you that discovering ADHD, or any form of neurodivergence, isn't about labelling yourself as "broken" or "deficient." It's about understanding a part of who you are that might have always been there, hidden beneath the surface. It's about finally allowing yourself to see it, acknowledge it, and then decide what you want to do with it.
This journey isn’t a straight line. It’s messy and filled with moments of doubt and shame. I’ve been there—I’ve questioned myself, felt overwhelmed by the "doom and gloom" stories, and rebelled against the idea that my life would be limited by a diagnosis. But here’s the thing: we get to choose how we respond to this newfound awareness. We get to decide if it’s a life sentence or a chance to rewrite the narrative.
So, if you’re on this path too, take a breath. You’re not alone, and you’re certainly not stuck. Your brain works differently, yes, but different doesn’t mean worse. In fact, it often means you see the world in a way others might not, and there’s immense power in that. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Use this knowledge as a springboard to create a life that fits you, not one that squeezes you into a mold that was never meant for you in the first place.
Remember, having ADHD, or any other neurodivergent trait, isn't about being less. It’s about navigating a world that wasn’t designed for us and finding ways to thrive in it anyway. And trust me, you can. We can.
Jessica
Holistic Coach for Sensitive Women
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At the moment I'm...
Reading - Pachinko by Min Jin Lee - An epic Korean historical fiction.
Learning: S.E.O Fundamentals by SEMrush
P.S. I sometimes write with typos in all the languages I write in. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me :)