how do we stay strong when life feels unbearable?
in the storm
Hello love,
Every month we get a special guest post from Catherine Grindrod Dean, teaching us about resilience. I usually add my 2 cents to introduce and conclude her messages, but not today, as her words have left me quite speechless.
Let’s dive in.
How do we stay strong when life feels unbearable?
When helping others is your life’s mission, it can be surprisingly difficult to turn the spotlight on yourself.
I’ve been reading, thinking, studying and writing about resilience a lot this year and luckily some of it has sunk in because, with everything life has thrown at me recently, I’ve really needed to follow my own advice.
About 15 months ago my husband was diagnosed with an incurable illness that was already in the advanced stages.
We knew from the outset what the outcome would be, but we were full of positivity and hope as treatment started and my husband, strong as an ox, fought as hard as he could. It’s been challenging, but it’s also been easy, at times, for us to bury our heads in the sand. Nights sat watching TV together, laughing at the antics of our kitten, or going for drinks with friends, it was easy to forget there was anything wrong.
But recently it’s become more and more difficult to ignore his illness and the latest developments have brought a rude awakening where we can no longer pretend to be living a normal, cosy life in the countryside.
We’ve had to accept that life can be unfair. That there isn’t a reason for everything. And there isn’t always a positive outcome to look forward to.
In these moments our strength has really been tested, but it’s because I’ve worked hard to develop true resilience that both my husband and I have been able to navigate these distressing times with grace, strength, and dignity.
The reality of resilience
Staying resilient when faced with situations outside of our control is emotionally challenging, and can bring many negative emotions, including helplessness, fear, and frustration.
It’s a difficult balance; it’s important to acknowledge these emotions, instead of ignoring them. Ignoring them doesn’t help in the long term.
While acknowledgment is always the first step in, managing difficult emotions, true resilience is also about making sure these emotions don’t consume you and moving your focus to what you are able to control.
Easier said than done, I know, but in this article I’m going to talk you through some of the strategies that have helped me, in the hope that they will provide support and guidance for you, should you need it.
Guilt free self-care
Something I didn’t expect: guilt has become pervasive in my life.
It’s particularly present when I’m exercising. My husband has limited and worsening mobility and, for me, running and walking have been my go to forms of exercise for years. When I do both regularly I feel great, both physically and mentally. But working on building my endurance and enjoying the feeling of moving my body when my husband struggles to walk upstairs? Feels wrong somehow.
It would be easy to be crippled by guilt in this situation and it creeps in often. But I can’t let it become dominant. We hear it all the time, “self-care is not selfish” or “put your own oxygen mask on first” and it’s easy to dismiss this advice or hear it without it really registering because we’ve heard it so many times.
Absorb it.
It’s important.
You deserve to take care of yourself without guilt regardless of what’s going on in your life.
When you care for someone you love, self-care will help you feel stronger, calmer and more patient during the challenge of supporting them. Taking better care of you will help you to take better care of those that depend on you. The time you take to look after yourself is like a gift to your family; think of how much more love, attention, and energy you’ll be able to give them when you feel balanced, healthy and energised.
Time is often a block to self-care, but you don’t have to spend hours at a spa in order to feel better. Think about how you can add micro-moments of care into your day, short bursts of relaxation that won’t feel overwhelming; a short-walk, a call with a friend, a five minute meditation. It all adds up and it all counts.
If you do feel the guilt start to creep back in, chat with your loved one about why self-care is important for both of you. If they’re anything like my husband, they will be grateful for everything you do for them and in full support of you taking some time for yourself.
Often guilt is something we build up in our own mind. Sharing this guilt with others and then reframing self-care as essential can help us to let it go.
Protecting your energy
A couple of blog posts ago I talked about the concept of radiators and drains and how fiercely protecting your energy can help you to feel more powerful and resilient. The people you surround yourself with matters and it matters more than ever, when you’re dealing with prolonged and intense stress.
Radiators, those people that feel like sunshine and uplift and energise you, become essential components of your self-care tool box. Drains, those people that sap your energy and create more stress, need to be carefully managed.
Managing the balance between radiators and drains can be the difference between maintaining your strength and composure or starting down the slippery slope towards burnout.
Head back to this blog post if you need a reminder of how radiators and drains can help you to manage your energy - this simple strategy can have a huge effect on where you land on the slippery scale of resilience/burnout.
Community as a lifeline
Over the last few months I’ve really doubled down on prioritising the people I love in my life.
My closest friends and family are always on my radar, but outside of that, I’ve had to let go, at least temporarily, of some more distant connections. I just don’t have the energy.
I have, however, created a new network of support. Attending a support group with people in the exact same situation as me has been a Godsend; talking to people that “get it” and don’t offer well intentioned, but unfortunately empty platitudes of “It’ll be OK” or “You’ll get through it” has been a lifeline for me.
This experience reminded me how important it is to lean on others during difficult times and how powerful true understanding and support can be.
Asking for help isn’t easy, but it’s vital for maintaining resilience.
If you hesitate to ask for help because you’re worried about being a burden or showing weakness, it’s important to rethink this approach. Most people genuinely want to help.
Think about how you would feel if a loved one was in your situation? You’d most likely feel honoured to have been asked and thinking of them as a burden, well, it would be the last thing on your mind.
Helping others makes us feel good, it fosters connection, reinforces relationships, and provides the energy and stability needed to navigate life’s hardships. It also shows the person you’re asking that you trust, value and respect them enough to let them into your life during vulnerable times.
When accepting help, be specific about what you need. This makes it easier for others to help, but also makes sure your needs are being met, leaving you feeling grateful and not resentful if you don’t get the support you need.
I’ve just been for a long, solo walk while a family member stayed in the house. The weather was brisk and breezy and I came back feeling refreshed and energised, truly grateful for the support and ability to take time out. Remember, everyone needs help at times.
Being independent is admirable, but true resilience comes from knowing when to lean on the support of others.
Faith, focus, and forward momentum
Staying connected to your values, faith, or a spiritual practice of some kind can serve as a guiding light during turbulent times.
Meditation, prayer, sitting in solitude, time in nature or a simple gratitude practice can all offer strength and comfort. Acting as anchors, these practices remind you of what truly matters and provide a sense of stability when everything feels uncertain.
Once you feel grounded, taking action is easier. Focusing on small, meaningful actions within your control can help: you might not be able to control the bigger picture, but you do have the power to manage your response.
My husband and I have a lot of very important, increasingly urgent and, also, quite unpleasant conversations to have right now.
To prevent overwhelm we’re keeping the conversations short, to the point and laser focused. Then we move on and don’t discuss the topic again. Breaking challenges into manageable steps allows us to keep moving forward, even if progress is slow.
By focusing on what you can do rather than what you can’t, you can continue to nurture resilience, even in the darkest times.
The quiet triumph of resilience
Resilience is a journey and like all journeys, one thing you can guarantee is that there’ll be ups and downs.
True resilience is about building strength so we can bounce back from difficult times.
You might not bounce back right away. Sometimes you just need to hold on, or ride out the storm, finding small, meaningful moments of courage and calm amidst the chaos.
You might feel weak, but know that experiencing distressing and upsetting emotions doesn’t demonstrate weakness. It’s part of life and it’s part of the process of becoming more resilient.
If you’ve had a difficult week, month or even year, it doesn’t make you any less in any way.
Take pride in every single step forward.
All steps forward, no matter how small, are a testament to your inner strength.
With love,
Catherine
If you haven’t read Catherine’s previous posts yet, find them right here :
Have a story you want to share here? Send me an email, a comment, a DM and let’s connect.
 | A guest post by
|