breaking up with the good girl
let it go, let it go...
For much of my life, I’ve been chasing approval, seeking to be enough in the eyes of people, especially my parents. Especially my father. And I never completely received what I had craved.
My relationship with my mother was sweet during my younger years but then it completely deteriorated as I became older. I remember thinking that this was due to me becoming “a baddie”, not entering the mould for the perfect daughter she had wanted me to be. She used to mention a lot that I was “perfect … until 4 years old, just like a little doll”.
I understand that there was so much more depth to that, of course. One factor being that her narcissist traits simply became more visible as my emotional needs grew more complex with time. Just a look at me, and she was constantly reminded of her own limitations. I won’t get into too many details here but it got very violent and I chose to go no-contact about 9 years ago.
My relationship with my father wasn’t much better, I can say that now that I have some perspective. You see, it’s a relationship I had idealised for the longest time because he wasn’t much part of my life, so there were fewer opportunities to confront my image of him to the reality of who he was.
Perhaps this was the case for him too and we both grew disappointed in each other, I’m not sure.
But the undeniable truth is he didn’t really care about being present as a dad. He didn’t know how to be one. He enjoyed my company from time to time. I know he loved me in his own way, from afar, and he wanted to protect me from harm. But he wasn’t really good at communicating or at holding space for me and my big baggage of feelings.
Later in his life, before his cancer, he was diagnosed with autism, which explained a lot, but didn’t really make up for his overall tendency to shut me out of his life. It was only in the last few years that I forced my way back into his days to make the most of what was left for us to share.
I’m very glad that I did that before he passed.
Still, I have scars.
As an adoptee raised by emotionally unavailable / immature parents, I was boxed into the role of the little girl they were rescuing and treating like a daughter.
These words.
Like a daughter.
To me, they were not “like” my parents, like my family. There were it.
It left me constantly searching for validation, for emotional safety that was never a constant.
I love you today, but who knows about tomorrow. Depends on your behaviour.
Not that I was perfect, mind you.
I was always a bit of a rebel. I got my navel pierced when I was 15. I lost my virginity way too early. Sarcasm and irritation were my go-to communication tools as a young woman. I could definitely give a vibe of carelessness as a way to protect myself, because I had understood and interiorised that I could not, indeed, be fully seen and validated for who I truly was.
Yet, I really really wanted to be good. So I learned how to make people feel good. I put myself in the role of the therapist showing understanding, the buddhist monk showing compassion, the nun negating her desires and unworthy feelings, the christ forgiving their sins, pretending it was fine, I’m strong and resilient.
What I really really wanted was for them to think “Wow, we are really so lucky to have her. Adopting her was the best decision ever.”
Instead, I heard that I had been their biggest regret.
I know that they were doing their best, however limited they were. I know that it doesn’t truly mean anything about me at all.
But as a child, you internalise these moments and carry them like invisible weights into adulthood. It’s inevitable.
There’s a kind of quiet desperation in always seeking to please people who have no real capacity to see you as you are.
It was like being in a box—boxed into who I was supposed to be, what I’m supposed to say, all while yearning for the freedom to be who I really am and to speak up, say out loud what my true opinions are, what I really want, and how unfair this has really been for me.
And so, like many high achievers, I coped by doing more, by becoming more. I chased more projects that you can fit in a life, looking in my father’s eyes for what would bring the most pride. Writer? Teacher? Business Girl? Therapist? Meditation practitioner? Full time-traveller? What if I homeschool my kids? What if I’m vegan and a nomad? What if I did all of that simultaneously?!
The overachieving, the endless striving for success, for that validation that never came—it wasn’t driven only by joy, but by fear. Fear that I wouldn’t be enough, fear that I had to earn my place, my worth.
Gosh, it’s been so exhausting!
And I share that with you because although we don’t have the same story, I know that this is way more common than we speak about.
Staying stuck in a position where you’re trying to fit into the picture of the good girl, the superwoman, the successful great mom who’s written 5 books whilst running 2 businesses and knitted by hand your kids halloween costume…
Let it go, honey. It’s a trap.
And it keeps you from flow, from ease, from the kind of fulfilment that you deserve, that we all deserve.
When you’re constantly seeking approval outside of yourself, you end up disconnected from your own truth. It’s insidious because it’s unconscious! You’re over-performing for others, and in doing so, you never feel the freedom to show up as your full, messy, brilliant, and authentic self.
You never allow yourself to enjoy life as it’s meant to be enjoyed. Not like a little mouse hoping not to be dinner, but as the untamed lion who knows that it’s ok to be fully you.
Through my own unraveling, through my own healing and letting go, I’ve learned, that yes, people will judge you. People will reject you. They will misunderstand you, mislabel you, and at times, even hold shitty opinions about you.
And you know what? It doesn't matter.
It’s ok to disappoint others if your thoughts or feelings don’t align with them. It’s ok to be angry, and it’s ok to disagree. And if that means the end of some relationships, well then so be it.
It cannot touch you, it cannot break you, if you are deeply connected to your own heart and truth.
When you find your inner alignment and give it the value and respect it deserves, no one else’s opinion has the power to shake it.
For so long, I gave free passes to others - not just my parents - for their behaviour, for their dismissiveness, for their emotional distance. I allowed their moods, their rejections, to dictate how I felt about myself. I blamed myself for not being good enough. I carried that weight, quite literally.
And I played the role of the good girl, hoping it would be enough to finally win the love and approval I wanted.
But the good girl doesn't win. Not in life, not in business, not in love.
The true woman does.
The true woman knows her worth comes from within. She doesn’t dim her light or silence her voice to make others comfortable. She stands in her truth, even if it disrupts the world around her.
And yes, you are worth disturbing the universe.
So, here’s my invitation to you today: If you’ve spent your life trying to be “good enough” for someone else, it’s time to shift your focus.
This shift—from seeking external approval to cultivating deep self-trust and inner validation—changes everything.
Stop chasing the elusive approval of others. Start giving yourself permission to be enough for you.
Your worth has never been tied to anyone else's acceptance. It’s time to honour your truth, reclaim your joy, and stand fully in your power.
Because the world doesn’t need more good girls.
It needs more true women like you.